This is more than it seems…

In the four days following the announcement of AJ’s rehab stint websites everywhere have posted something in regards to it all. I figured why not do it, too?

But in a way, this will be different. I’m not going to get into a whole thing about how much the fans still love him and understand what’s going on because in all realities, we don’t understand it. And in a way, we’re not really standing by him. We’re standing by the image we see and ‘know.’

In a way, this may be more of an evaluation on how ambiguous the guys really are on their lives. This may be more of my saying that we don’t really know these five guys that we say we do… Who are they? We know their names—first, middle, last, nicknames…you name it, nine times out of ten a BSB fan can name it. Some extreme people know the same information about significant others. We write stories based on what we do see of these guys and with a little bit of creative ingenious, people really get the mesh of the five. They really land the prospect of how they would each respond to a situation. They really represent the people everyone else sees. Bravo to you if you can do that, but in all realities, we still don’t know them.

…This may be more of the fact that we will never know these five guys. This may be more of the fact that we will never touch on or understand what they’re doing with their lives…

Brian and Kevin were engaged before anyone heard a word of it. I heard three different times last summer that Kevin and Kristin were finally married, the last time being the reality. No one knew, for one fair reason. They had privacy for once. Bless their lil’ hearts…

…This may be more of my saying he’s a guy who has issues and needs to work them out…by himself. He surely does need the help of family and friends, the Boys obviously falling under both categories. But the scary and very creepy issue is that I read on a website last night where someone was pleading their readers to let AJ heal in solitude…to not find out the location where he was rehabilitating. I laughed when I first saw that. What a thought, finding AJ’s clinic and crushing him with the attention that most likely curbed his want to be honest in his issues. Beautiful folks…

In all, this makes me think of the reason I feel for AJ. It’s not because he’s a Backstreet Boy; because he’s good looking; because he’s such a fun guy; because he can sing like no one else I’ve ever heard; or because he’s famous…

It’s because he’s young. He’s got a lot of time left in his life. Part of that says that he’s got a promising future. Hell, he’s a Backstreet Boy, of course his future is promising. Money galore! But in realities, it’s scary in my mind to say the guy is only 23 years old and has these kinds of issues to sort through. It’s hard enough to deal with someone close to your heart passing away. Then to hide the depression, "burning the candle at both ends," as Kevin said, in partying and throwing yourself into your life. And sadly enough, his life is being on the go, always running, putting on a face. Why wouldn’t he just continue with that and make yet another mask to cover his true feelings—sadness. And in partying, alcohol is most definitely one of the key ingredients, why not make that a part of everyday life?

Gina and I talked about this last night and I disagreed with just about everything she had to say about it. She doesn’t feel an ounce bit sorry for him. Her opinion, so be it. And it’s not because she’s not a huge fan of the Boys, or because he’s not her favorite. It’s because she believes that when you fuck up, you fuck up yourself and everyone else around you. She understands alcoholism and she understands issues of drug abuse. She mentioned to me a few actors or musicians that I know she likes, but had drug problems. And she repeated the statement that she doesn’t feel sorry for them.

There was one statement that I agreed with. She noted that these people are famous and have opportunities that we don’t have. I whole-heartedly agree…yet in a different degree. She meant to say that they have all this money and opportunity to make themselves happy and live a plush life compared to the resto of society. I meant it to mean they had the opportunities to go to parties, to encounter people who are trouble, to become someone they don’t want to be. And that explains why so many famous people get so screwed up in their lives. They have that access to drugs, to partying, to excessive alcohol and at a very young age in most circumstances—AJ being one.

If he was not a Backstreet Boy, if he was not on tour constantly, if he was not stuck being this persona that everyone wanted to see, if he was not noticeable and spotted the moment he stepped foot onto pavement…if, if if, I’m almost sure that he would not have to face this dilemma.

True, his grandmother passed away and that was uncontrollable. And true, he would have felt the same depression in the loss—if not more because he would still be in Florida and perhaps closer to her than in past years of travelling. But he would be able to grieve as a normal person does. In their own privacy, in their own homes. Not on the road, in a hotel room, on stage at night, or at parties in every city they visit.

In the end, I feel for AJ, I really do. As dismissive as I am in this, I really feel sorry for him. Because he is in the public viewpoint. Because he cannot mourn in his own solitude. Because everyone across the nation knows he has a problem. Because he has to see the defeat in his friends’ and family’s eyes knowing that they could not stop him before the problem got too serious. Because he has to spend thirty days facing his demons. Because after those thirty days he has to go back out and become the person he ‘shows’ to everyone…because, because, because…

Most of all…Because he is only two years my minor and has to deal with such a serious issue. It scares me to think what lies ahead for myself…