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July 3, 2000
BY RICHARD ROEPER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
"I'm going to go back and reclaim my life. There is no story here about me any more. Eventually, sooner rather than later, people will realize there's no story here. I'm not news. I'm done. I never wanted the publicity. I never wanted the media."
--Darva Conger on the "Today" show four months ago
When we first heard Darva Conger was going to appear in Playboy, the erstwhile bride-for-hire told "Entertainment Tonight" she would not consent to pose in a bridal gown.
"Not in a wedding dress, no," she said. "I would find that pretty cheesy, not an indication of the person I am."
Yes, because it's not at all cheesy to don a wedding gown in order to marry a creepy stranger on national TV. Cripes.
But I digress. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury in the court of public opinion, I hold in my hands the August 2000 issue of Playboy, which I would like to enter into evidence as Exhibit A.
On the cover of this magazine is one Darva Conger, with a big rock diamond on her wedding finger. She is holding a bouquet and she is wearing a veil and a white dress, and she is slathered in heavier makeup than you'd see on a Nitro girl at a bachelorette party.
The cover blurb reads: "DARVA CONGER: The Woman Who Married the Multimillionaire Takes Off Her Wedding Dress for Playboy."
Cheesy? You decide.
Of course, Conger has been contradicting herself from the moment her made-for-TV marriage to Rick Rockwell fell apart more quickly than a Lego tower in an Oklahoma tornado, for example constantly showing up on TV to tell us that all she wanted was to be left alone. (This is known as the Lewinsky Approach.)
Not that anyone who pays attention to these things expected Conger to wind up anywhere but the pages of Playboy, appearing in all her airbrushed glory and saying things such as, "I've gotten into the best shape of my life. At the age of 34, it gives me a nice little boost to see these photos."
It was her destiny, it's what she needed to do, they were telling me, I'm telling you. (Foreigner alert! Sorry.)
So Conger joins the long list of naughty little scandal-babes who have appeared unclad in the pages of Playboy--a roster that includes Jessica Hahn, Tai Collins, Elizabeth Ray, Faye Resnick, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Rita Jenrette, Tracy Hampton and many others.
Most of the above names probably don't mean anything to you, which is my point in listing them. (One was an O.J. juror, one was a beauty queen linked to a U.S. senator, one had a fling with Bill Clinton--you get the idea.) Though Conger claimed an intrusive, obsessive, pestering media wouldn't let her return to her life and virtually forced her into taking the half-mil from Playboy lest she become a bottled-blond homeless person, the truth is that all she had to do was let a little more time pass and she wouldn't have been able to attract much media attention even if she had joined the cast of "Big Brother," married one of the "Survivor" contestants and adopted Elian Gonzalez.
Well, maybe then. But you know what I'm saying. There's nothing so stale as yesterday's temporary celebrity.
Put it this way, if Linda Tripp and Joey Buttafuoco were starring in "Love Letters" at your community theater, would you buy a $6 ticket?
* * *
Not that Playboy doesn't know what it's doing. I'll guarantee you the Darva issue will be hugely popular; it's already attracting tons of attention, from "Larry King Live" to USA Today to Howard Stern's show to, um, this column.
(If you don't want to spend the $5.95, a quick review of the pictorial: Darva's really skinny and she's in great shape and she's doing a lot of that stretching-naked-on-hard-jagged-rocks stuff that women only do when they're posing nude. And I think she must have had a deviated septum or something, cuz her nose sure looks sleeker in the new pics than it does in the old photos of Darva back when she was anonymous and wasting her life on such frivolous pursuits as the Air Force and emergency room nurse duty.)
This week Darva hits Chicago, and few if any media outlets will say no to publicizing her appearance. (Well, I don't think she'll bump John Callaway out of his spot at Carol Marin's desk.) There'll be Darva book signings, Darva radio appearances, Darva on TV and a big bash for Darva on Wednesday at the trendy Circus nightclub, and if you don't have an invite to that event forget about even trying to get in.
No doubt we'll hear again from Darva about how she was forced into this situation. Very well. As long as she understands that when people are looking at her, they're gazing upon tomorrow's yesterday's news.
Richard Roeper (rroeper@suntimes.com) appears Wednesdays at 7:30 a.m. and Thursdays at 7:50 a.m. on WFLD-Channel 32's "Fox Thing in the Morning."
Read my comments on Darva.....here