Friends and So, So, So Much More…

Friendship is an odd thing to encounter throughout one’s life. I have held many different ones…not say I’ve held MANY—but I’d say that they’ve all been different. One in particular sticks out in my mind and here goes the story:

One man (call him Joseph) moved in next door to me in the middle of First Grade. He was slightly taller than me (and would continue to be throughout life) with dusty brown hair and blonde eyes. I remember sitting on my front porch with an old friend, watching Joseph move his items into his new house and saying that he was cute. At the age of six, I had the feelings of crushdom (yes, I know, not a real word) coming over me.

And so we quickly became friends, as we were the only young kids on the block. The closest in age were my brother and his friend; both are five years our elders. The four of use would hang out on occasion as the friend found trouble with Joseph and my brother and I were along for the sights. As the seasons faded into themselves, we both found a mutual liking to each other…yet he never seemed to express it outside of our small friendship. He was my first kiss at the age of seven in his dark, dank garage. And at the age of 11 we played a silly stripping game in the crawl space beneath my house with one of his friends from school who happened to hang out around us often.

As he grew into his "popularity" phase, he seemed to forget me while we were at school, but he would be around once we were on the block. And as mistakable as that is, I took what I could have. A friendship in times of boredom as he was just twenty-feet away—from porch to porch. Yet, come seventh grade, he hardly took into what little friendship we did hold and we "drifted" apart, so to speak. Come high school, we rode the bus together and began to talk more. He would stop by in the mornings to my back door and we walked to the bus stop together. At the time he was dating my best friend…though one would not know as her parents were strict on her seeing him…even as she lived directly across the street from us.

One particular night, I was over at his house, only use two, while his younger brother and sisters were tucked in bed. We began with an innocent game of ‘Truth’ that soon turned into a seemingly guiltless ‘Truth or Dare,’ and soon being morphed into a wink-wink ‘Dare’ game. He dared me to kiss him on the lips for longer than 20-seconds and we did so, closed mouth. By the 30-second mark, our lips were still touching and suddenly his tongue broke loose—marking my first ‘French-kiss.’ Soon later, he broke up with his girlfriend—for other reasons—and began seeing a few girls here and there, no one of matter apparently.

And so it continued for almost a year and a half, we carried on the 'friends with privileges' routine. In my rare form of sexual specifics (right), I divulge…we never had sex…but we did mess around. He did everything a man could do to a woman—short of sex. And I being the ‘prude’ I was, did nothing in return, but let him do so.

A day came when I was over at his house, in his room, and the phone had rang, breaking up our heated session. It was the ‘girl of the moment.’ I suddenly felt second best…if not third, fourth and fifth. I then felt like an object, no longer the subject. And so I broke it off, even while he was on the phone. (Insert evil grin) Caused quite a shock to him. I just could not sit there and wait for him…especially when through this entire time; the ever-present crush feelings were growing into what seemed to be more.

Now, I do not mean the L-word—that’s a pretty big admission. I merely mean that I felt fairly strong about this guy and I had the feelings of breaking it off anyhow. That phone call, and moment, just provided me ample timing to do so and still be in control…

And so onto my ranting…. (And simplistic language)

I recently ran into ‘Drew’ (See, I Hate Boys, Well Not Like That) and he informed me of his "friend" situation. <Side Note: Things settled somewhat between Drew and me. As he told me, he’s just friendly and didn’t mean to be flirty or to lead me on in that kind of way and we are now friends> It seems a woman who he had been friends with for about two months or so declared her admiration for him and wanted to have a relationship with him. Long story short, Drew doesn’t want love and care and thought…he wants the goods. He informed her of this, "That I didn’t want to be serious at all." So, she insists that she at least wants to be ‘friends with privileges.’ And he accepted. In due time, the woman felt the same as me, she began to feel strongly for Drew and continues to express that she wants a real relationship with him. And continually, he explains that he doesn’t want a real relationship at all…

So, as I had to say…to be in one those relationships, one needs to understand that there will be some sort of attachment. Whether it be emotional or intimate…one will continue to feel a ‘need’ for that other person to fulfill some part of them, be it emotional or sexually. As well…when those feelings are felt (above the strictly informal sexual and into the more sensitive) from only one end…it needs to end.

I haven’t known of but one situation in which one of these kinds of relationships turned serious. Thought, I must note, the two have only been together for three weeks, and on top of that, it’s long distance…as in a few states away.

So, in general, take this as a warning that you should not partake into a ‘friends with privileges’ condition…

As well, how desperate is this girl who is with Drew?! Pleading with him for any contact whatsoever? Do she not have any respect? I suppose if I didn’t have respect for my self, I could be messing around with Drew…but as I noted, we are just friends now. I had asked for a real relationship from him, and he explained that he’s not in to being with one person, he wants to keep his options open. And thus he took advantage of this girl and let her get the better of him as he is thoroughly pissed off at her for trying to push something more onto him.

So, in this all…Who is to blame? Myself, Joseph, Drew and his girl.

It don’t matter who begins it, who ends it, or how the people really feel… this will affect those of a certain level of self-respect. I know it has affected me in that I look for more of an emotional bonding with someone, in opposition to the intimate…yet, at other times, I just want to be intimate and have no strings attached…

As of yet, I have kept my self-respect and not ventured into another ‘friends with privileges’ relationship and don’t see one in the future… but, rest assured, if there is one…you will hear plenty about it.